


How to Fail at Making Latkes

by Elizabeth_Dicewielder



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cooking, Cooking Lessons, Gen, Hanukkah, Jewish Remus Lupin, Just dialogue, Latkes, injury mention, prompt 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabeth_Dicewielder/pseuds/Elizabeth_Dicewielder
Summary: What you might hear if you happened to be standing outside the Hogwarts kitchens on a certain night of Hanukkah as Remus teaches the other Marauders how to make latkes.Loosely inspired by a conversation with @pan-n-proud on Tumblr
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: Marauders Hanukkah Fest 2020





	How to Fail at Making Latkes

**Author's Note:**

> Aka me coming up with a bunch of snippets of dialogue but being too lazy to actually write any narrative

“You three peel the potatoes while I talk with the house elves about how many pans we can get.”

~

“Ow!”

“Wormtail, how did you even manage to cut yourself on a potato peeler?”

~

“Okay, now we’re gonna slice the potatoes and onions. They should be about this size.”

“Quick question: how do you hold a knife properly?”

“Why, afraid you’re gonna cut yourself again?”

“Hey, that was Peter, not me!”

“Like this. It’s not that hard.”

“And you’re sure we can’t just use magic?”

“Just cut the fucking potatoes.”

~

“James, throw that away.”

“What? Why?”

“Because you just put it on your face?”

“It was my onion-stache!”

“Yes, and onions that go on your face do not go in other people’s  _ food _ .”

~

“You think that’s enough matzo meal?”

“Let me check—oh, my God,  _ yes _ , how much  _ is _ that?”

~

“Ow!”

“Peter, we literally just talked about how important it is not to touch hot burners.”

~

“Is this enough oil?”

“If you have to ask that question, the answer is no.”

~

“My wrist hurts. You’re sure we can’t use magic?”

“Padfoot, you’ve only chopped three potatoes.”

~

“I’m crying! I’m not even sad! Why am I crying?”

“Well, you’re chopping an onion.”

“And?”

~

“Hey, Moony? I think there’s a problem.”

“I’ll be there in a second.”

“Um, I think you should come now.”

“Okay… Yeah, there’s a problem! The pan is overflowing with oil!”

“You said if I was unsure if there was enough then I should add more, and I was never sure!”

“So you kept adding more until it overflowed?!”

“Yes!”

“How did you manage to live to fifteen?”

~

“Okay, now that the oil is cleaned up, let’s try this again.”

“You’re absolutely sure we can’t use magic?”

“ _ Humor me. _ ”

~

“Prongs, we’re making potato pancakes, not potato muffins.”

~

“Potato pancakes, not potato bread rolls.”

~

“Potato pancakes, not potato donuts!”

~

“Potato pancakes, not potato cinnamon rolls! What is  _ wrong _ with you? Where did you even get the cinnamon?”

~

“Hey, what’s that smell?”

“That smell, Padfoot, is your pan of latkes burning.”

~

“Ow!”

“Peter, how many times are you going to injure yourself?”

“Two sickles says more than five.”

“Three sickles says more than ten.”

“You guys are terrible friends.”

~

“Why are there uncooked latkes on the same platter as cooked latkes? Have any of you even been in a kitchen before?”

…

“I’ll take that as a no.”

~

“Whoa, these are really good!”

“I told you they would be.”

~

“Oops, I dropped one.”

~

“Ow!”

“Why would you eat from the pile that just got out of the pan?”

“James, you owe me two sickles!”

“We’ll see about that.”

~

“Oops, I dropped another.”

~

“I thought Sirius’ and Peter’s latkes were bad, but… wow. Yours really take… the pancake.”

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

~

“Oops I dropped another.”

~

“NO DOGS IN THE KITCHEN!”

~

“I could have sworn we had at least one more platter… Peter, just how many have you eaten?!”

~

“I think that went well!”

“Yeah! Now the real question is what Wormtail’s injury count is.”

“Eight, I think.”

“HA!”

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Back to Gryffindor Tower?”

“We still have to clean up.”

“We have to  _ what _ ?”

~

Bonus:

“Hey, Remus, I just came to check on you guys!”

“Lily! Hi! Umm, it’s getting a bit rowdy in here, so you might want to leave.”

“Oh, it’s no problem—is that a  _ deer _ in the  _ kitchen _ ?!”


End file.
